10.30 Rollercoaster

I have three questions to ask the universe. You see, lately, I’ve been doing things a little differently. A little social experimenting, if you will. I know I’m old, but I don’t think I’m too old to change. In fact, I don’t really think you’re ever too old to change, if you really want to. Or don’t change, that’s up to you. Whatever. We’re not talking about you, we’re talking about me.

The first thing I am trying to do is be more open and honest about what I want out of life, relationships, professional engagements, and creative pursuits. I don’t mean I’m just acting like some little spoiled and entitled president, er, I mean, little kid. More that I’m trying to alleviate any miscommunication about my intentions and wanting others - partners, friends, etc. - to do the same. Speaking above about being too old, I do feel I am getting too old to waste time on this stuff. I don’t want to feel things like resentment or repress my own (or have others do this with me) feelings about something instead of just being upfront. If it’s not going to work out, let’s move on. I (and I assume you) got shit to do.

The second thing I am trying to do is have more confidence in my abilities and the potential value I bring to others. Sometimes this comes in the guise of just wanting to be a better person to a friend of mine. Maybe it’s about how much money I should be asking for when taking on a contract. This one is quite far reaching.

The reason why I am focusing on these two things is because usually, I have trouble with both of them - communicating what I want or need from others, and feeling any sort of confidence in myself as a person, my abilities, even my moral ability to understand right from wrong.

I believe these two things are connected and I am trying to figure out why they both intersect for me at very inopportune moments. I understand this may sound weird, writing about how much more confident I’ve gotten (or haven’t gotten), but in reality, I more or less have a zero rated confidence, which is neither attractive or appealing to myself and others.

Maybe people can sense that I am not used to doing the above two things yet. Because boy, do I get thrown off when things go awry. It’s been a real rollercoaster ride of the highs of getting exactly what I asked for and the lows of things turning out terribly. Is this what it’s like? You win some, you lose some? All the time?

When I’m firing on all cylinders and things are working out, I feel more like myself. Finally. Like, it’s still somewhat uncomfortable because I’m not used to it yet, but it’s getting there. Then CRASH and things totally flame out. And I’m usually back to thinking I’m everything from downright ugly and unattractive to a loser who has wasted his professional life.

So, universe, these are my questions. One, will any of this level out where I can just integrate these things into my life in a consistent fashion? Two, why when people are complimenting me or are being encouraging in any way, do I feel like they are talking about someone else? How come when I’m starting to feel really good about myself, and my confidence meter is getting hotter, that’s exactly the time when everything goes to shit?

Am I not allowed for once to enjoy something I did and say, “Good job!” And mean it.

Thanks for your insight, universe!

Paul Dore