Emotional Friction

“You know this is an abusive relationship, right?” My friend wrote to me. This statement profoundly confused me. I’m a man, after all. Things don’t work this way.

But, it’s true, and it’s something I have written around and been circling for a few years. I didn’t want to write about it, decided I didn’t have to. Not because I was embarrassed about it. I wasn’t. Well, not about the actual things that happened. I was embarrassed because I let this happen, that I was this person’s enabler. That in a way, I felt it was what I deserved. 

“You know this is an abusive relationship, right?” I didn’t believe it at the time, in fact, it took me a while longer to let that sink in. A few more slaps, both physical and mental, to hatch an escape plan. Cause, you know, no matter how smart you are, how self-aware, or how much work you’ve done, it’s hard to see your way out.

Let’s get this out of the way. As a man, in no way do I want to take up space, time, and energy with my story in spaces where it’s not appropriate. This isn’t an attempt to elbow my way into somewhere I don’t belong. But, this kind of thing is exactly why I’ve built up this newsletter, it’s my little corner of the internet, and I don’t feel as though it’s infringing on anyone’s space. You’re here because you want to be here. And I’m grateful for that. At the same time, I do think it’s important for men to be a part of these conversations, and not in the way we’re used to, by either shutting the hell up or to open up. Either way, all I’m saying is to figure out how to participate in ways that are useful. It’s not hard (speaking to the guys, here).

I know that people who are narcissistic abusive assholes think they’re smarter than everyone else. After talking to a number of people about this and hearing (too many) experiences, there seems to be a common playbook that is being used. And once you’re through it, it’s like you have a superpower and can spot it in the smallest exchanges between people. Talk about a shitty origin story for a superhero.

Let’s see if this sounds familiar.

I met someone online. Total love bombing. No one understands her, but me? I seem to understand her. Already the separation with intention to isolate has begun. What I didn’t know then was that this love bombing was setup to be withheld. Didn’t take long for that to happen.

The relationship gets very intense, very fast. Before I knew it, she was living with me. Also very fast, my space was no longer my own. I was walking on eggshells depending on her moods, which could oscillate between being head over heels for me to taking a meal I prepared and throwing the plate across the room for no reason. This often led to heated arguments. Anyone that knows me, knows that I do not like to yell and am a fairly calm person. I was getting into these bizarre arguments - you know the kind where all of a sudden you find yourself at a point and wonder how it even got there? Like, real confusion?

The isolation was happening at a rapid pace. She started with the other women in my life. My business partner at the time was a women. It took some time after our business partnership fell apart for me to learn about some private messages that were going on. I was not talking to my mom a lot, who I love dearly and who I am very close to. She even started in on my guy friends, slowly putting doubts into my head about them. Sometimes outright demanding I don’t hang out with some of them. This had nothing to do with jealousy, it was control.

And the drama. Always drama. It’s easy to mistaken drama for passion. She had an entire other life online that I didn’t know much about at the time. These friends of hers were always guys and at the time I found it confusing. Honestly, I don’t think I’m the jealous type, but when someone lives in your home, I did find it weird for her to be up all night texting with someone. And when I asked about it, she flipped it around, saying that there was nothing wrong with this and that I was an asshole for even bringing it up. I was right by the way - I unfortunately had to virtually meet a few of these people after they contacted me. Not good people. Let’s just say they weren’t approaching me with friendly vibes. More the threatening and violent kind of vibes.

I could go on and on and on. What I do know is that I got out. What I do know is that this person has mental health issues. What I do know is that although that might be the case, it is not grounds to treat other people so terribly. What I do know is that there is a very fine line between supporting someone and enabling their abusive behaviour.

The first thing I needed to do was get her out of my space. A friend of mine and me hatched a plan. We came up with all kinds of ways to get her out. In the end, after one especially horrific night, I found myself walking around the city for the entire night. I didn’t want to go home. My home was unsafe. Finally, I got back in the morning, I woke her up, and asked her to leave. I sat on the edge of the bed as she packed, threw things at me, screamed at me. It was a very faint voice, but it was there. The faint voice in my head kept repeating like a mantra: “Get her out. Get her out. Get her out.” I drove her to her mother’s house, I took off, and I started from the bottom to piece my life back together.

It took a while for my home to feel like my own again. In fact, it took a while, but I ended up selling it and moving out. It wasn’t until I moved out of there that I realized no matter how much work I did on myself, I still felt that presence. When I moved out, the final layer of burden was removed. No one deserves any of this. So, yeah, I’ve done the work, moved past this - that’s a whole other story. Thinking critically, something that I do wonder about is: what was the point of all this? I have incredible friends and family, fulfilling work, and really a fun life. Why would someone come in and purposely destroy that? Wouldn’t that be something you’d want to be a part of?

There was a point early on in this relationship where I explained to this person that I didn’t care what happened in her life previously, that I loved who she was as a person right now. And I still believe that, there is a person there that deserves love. I think that scared her. A part of me was angry at all the men who had made this person think she doesn’t deserve that, and so had to absorb all that and turn it back on other people. But also, we have a choice. We can just perpetuate that behaviour, lots of people do. Or you can just stop it. Stopping it is harder, I guess? My heart breaks when I hear these stories. Imagine that, the one person you are supposed to trust the most in the world, and they so deeply and profoundly betray you. There is a choice. And I don’t want to be scared of loving someone or of accepting love. That’s so sad.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this now. I don’t know if I should, but honestly, I don’t care. I’m not embarrassed. You gotta talk about this stuff. We have to talk about this stuff. Part of the horror is suffering in silence.

Wait-

You know what? I wrote up to here in one burst. I took a day to think about this and I might have figured out why exactly I did want to write this. I hate to admit it, but I was still afraid. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. This person has been out of my life for a couple years and has no real access or connection to me. But, I have to admit, as anyone that has been in this situation understands, and no matter how much I may want to think otherwise, there’s a small part of my brain where this person lives rent free. Sure, this rental space has gotten smaller and smaller over the years, but it’s still there. Maybe writing this will make it even smaller?

What all my writing teachers said was true - things are easier to write about after some space and time. It’s a scar and not a wound. I feel that all of this was honest, but I wasn’t feeling any of the pain. After being so detached from it, I feel more in control of these memories. All I can say is this: if any part of this feels familiar to you, get out. This isn’t easy and I am in no way casting any blame or minimizing what other people might be going through. I can’t imagine how difficult the situations are that people find themselves in. However long it takes and whatever it takes, just get out. After that, everything will get better.