5.28 The Ring

I had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago. Just too much stuff going on. For about two years, I’ve really been trying to work on myself. The hope was to become a better person, perhaps even a happier person and also figured I needed to fix a few things before I invited someone else into my life. One of my problems from before was the feeling that I was invisible to others. This felling has changed. I’ve made new friends and am involved in many exciting things. However, I still have my regressions.

And with every regression comes the worry that it will be for good. My meltdown a few weeks ago was probably the most severe regression since starting this process two years ago.

During my meltdown that happened over the course of a few days, I realized I was getting bogged down in the little things, although those little things can seem big when they attack me all at once. I can also be very melodramatic when I’m on a downward slide and when one or two or three things happen all at once and make very blanket statements. For example, if I have a problem with a burgeoning relationship, I apply this problem to all my relationships. It’s a great way to speed a downward spiral.

I helped put together an event that revolved around something I’ve always secretly wanted to try. The week leading up the the event, I was having my meltdown and wondering why now, right before this important event?

And then it hit me - my old preponderance for self-sabotage. Here I had set up this event to succeed, and now I was busy dismantling it. How very clever. I guess this is part of working on myself and catching things before they get too out of control.

Three days before the event, I was walking home and came across a ring on a chain laying on the ground. Looked around and saw no one. The ring looked exactly like the one from the Lord of the Rings. I tried it on and it fit. It felt good on my finger. By the time I got home, I convinced myself that I have to come out for this event, I have to show up, do what was asked, reveal some vulnerability.

The event went well and afterwards I was talking with some friends and telling them about my ring. In the movie Lord of the Rings, the ring that resembled mine made the wearer invisible and access a dark and evil world. One of my friends suggested that instead of making me invisible and evil, perhaps this ring of mine made me visible and created the ability to access a certain positive internal strength.

I like that explanation.