5.24 A Strange Crisis of Faith
I am, quite literally, having a crisis of faith. Not the usual kind of faith, not the one associated with theology. I left behind that kind of faith a while ago. A faith in myself. I’ve been going over and over this for a long time attempting to understand or put this into some kind of different context. The words that keep returning are faith and belief. I feel a bit unhinged at the moment, so please excuse me if the following comes across as someone wandering around in the dark in an unfamiliar place, picking up things, bumping into walls. I’m trying to get the layout of the room, trying to allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
Lots of feelings going on the past few weeks. Immediately, I want to write about how alone and lonely I feel. People who are single seem to like to differentiate between being alone and lonely. I just don’t feel like doing that at the moment. In going down this road of putting my own work out there, of trying to be somewhat authentic and truthful, I knew going in that I was leaving my vulnerable self open for all to see.
In doing this, I knew I had to have a certain amount of faith and belief in what I was doing, how I was doing it and the point of it all. At times, like this moment, I’m not so sure.
And then I think: oh, shut the fuck up.
What is it with my disposition that I actively ignore certain elements of my life? Being open to sounding a little crazy, there are usually two competing voices in my head. Unfortunately, the doubting and critical one seems to be in the lead at this moment. Alone and lonely? This simply is not true. A crisis of faith? I would’ve given up a long time ago if I didn’t have some type of belief in myself.
Everything is in flux, everything changes. The belief and faith in myself and my work is wavering, but hopefully this isn’t going to last. Right? When I’ve written about doubt or depression, it’s usually been after the fact. I’m trying to understand these thoughts and where they originate from and perhaps at some point, I will get past them or at least learn how to deal with them.
The one thing I have learned is the power in just admitting that I’m not goddamn perfect. There are no expectations to be perfect, except for the expectations I place on myself. This is both ridiculous and unreasonable. The point to all this rambling is to just say that it’s okay to have to let go of some things, to understand that letting go is a necessity at times.