1.11 Retrospection

TORONTO, ONTARIO: When you get a new job, usually there is a probationary period of about three months to see whether it is the right job for you and/or your employer is satisfied with the results. Three months seems like a good enough time to make sure that everything is going according to plan. I thought since I have now been writing this blog for three full months, it was high time to take a look back and see how things are going. Since I have no employer in this endeavor, I shall evaluate my own performance – wear two hats if you may – and determine whether this is worthwhile for me to continue writing and for you to continue reading. I have gotten one performance review in my life at a job I did not think was suitable for me. I was neither performing to the best of my abilities nor really accomplishing anything of real value. I remember that my employer kept telling me I was doing fine, and I guess I was, in a mediocratical type of way.

I have come up with three categories: The overall direction of the blog, honesty of voice and the various subjects covered in the writing.

First, I feel that something is missing from this blog. There has been no real direction, very little to grab on to and hold tight. To be honest, I went into this not really understanding what I was going to write about but knew what I didn’t want to write about. As I have mentioned in the past, I have very little patience for people talking about their own lives as though they are interesting enough to publish for public consumption. My life just isn’t that interesting or I do not possess the illusion that there are people out there waiting with bated breath to read my latest posting. I think one has to be honest with themselves in this regard. So, after three months: What is this blog about? I dunno.

Second, the sacred word of honesty. I held a secret hope that I would reserve this blog to write with honesty. I wrote in my first entry that some things will be embellished, moved around, changed a bit. In a way, this is being honest because I’m foreshadowing the potential for some things to not exactly be described as 100% accurate. Really, this is for you the reader as I am trying to spruce things up a bit, make them more interesting then my mundane life/opinions/ideas actually are. I’m practicing self-sacrifice here. But, from now on, everything is going to be 96.5% true. I have a tendency to be weighed down by guilt and I don’t need anymore.

Third, I promise to do more interesting things and report on them. Pathetic, I know. But I wonder if this blog might create an intensity in my life where I constantly pursue exciting and new experiences in order to sit down at my computer and tell the world. Look at me: I am so fascinating! I already know this won’t work because I’ll wonder if I’m doing something just to write about it and sound cool. And I am not cool – as we have established – and will most likely continue on my current trajectory. Besides, I wouldn’t know cool if it was on me like a fever. At the very least, I will try to write about things in a more interesting way. Come on, meet me halfway.

Writing this blog consistently has been tougher then I originally thought. However, I’m actually enjoying it more than I thought I would and hope to continue. I think it’s getting better but we’ll see once I open things up for comments. My sensitivity to such issues might force me to disconnect and become a shut-in lying on the couch in the fetal position with thumb in mouth under my favorite blanket.

Switching hats: I wouldn’t out right fire me at this point, maybe just extend my contract for another three months and reevaluate then.