1.9 Online Dating

TORONTO, ONTARIO: There comes a point in every person’s life where they have to make certain difficult decisions. You are confronted by a stark reality, one that plays itself out after a chain of experiences leaves you alone while everyone around you is bursting with post-marriage bliss. They constantly let you know how over the moon happy they are in their relationship. It is on me like a fever and society is telling me I must find a mate. And so, it is with a confused feeling of optimism and absolute reluctance that I venture into the void of online dating. It is something I have considered for about half a minute before this most recent decision. I enjoy meeting people in person but as my friends, colleagues and associates fly one by one over the moon, I find myself going out less and meeting even fewer new people. This obviously presents next to no chances of finding that special person who will put up with my hang-ups.

I have started with a free online dating site – I am not yet at the point where I will pay to meet people on the Internet. It is just against my moral standing – a standing that diminished as I went through setting up my profile.

I never know how to shape these profiles. I go between two extremes: Out right lying with the intention of sounding like the perfect guy (until they see my profile pic that is). I try to be cool, clever and witty but it just comes off as someone who is none of the above but is trying to be cool, clever and witty. The other side of the spectrum is to downplay my coolness – I am too cool to go into how cool I am. This doesn’t work either because it makes me look like perhaps the least interesting person on the planet. For some reason, my intention of potential mates to read between the lines and see the coolness seeping through is lost.

After much sweating, I saved the profile – it is somewhat dull but honest. They will fall in love with my honesty! Now for the photograph. The first pic I used for Facebook got comments such as, ‘wow, did you just escape from a mental institution?’ and ‘my vote for worst profile pic. Ever.’ So, I learned my lesson. Now I have a standard photograph just for this situation. I don’t really have a good side and it is a posed photograph. I don’t understand those people that put terrible quality photographs of themselves out at a dark bar. In my research, I found one woman who had five photographs that were all her with other people. Three of them were her with arms around a crudely blurred man’s face. One even had the (un)happy couple pushing a stroller. The baby’s face was blurred out.

Everything is ready and I am now online. The site I am using has a mailbox set up and you get an email alert if someone contacts you. I want to say that I put my profile up and forgot about it but I am checking it every five minutes. Build it and they will come. I am new, I have to give it time for people to recognize my awesomeness. And my honesty, we can’t forget that. Nothing. I go out grocery shopping and mentally yell at the old lady counting change. I burst through the door, check the computer. Maybe my Smart Phone ain’t so smart. Maybe it’s not receiving the emails that are bursting out of my mailbox. Nothing.

It’s been three days and I am potentially re-thinking my approach. Maybe I will find love. Or perhaps I am just doing this so I have something to write about.