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Dispatch 7.18 (October 17th, 2016): To my profession at least, LinkedIn is quite useless. The only thing I can see it is good for is when people post ridiculous articles with headings such as, “The 20 Things Successful People Do Everyday” or “The 5 Things Richard Branson Does Before He Shits In The Morning”. And they all claim that if YOU want to be as successful as the successful people profiled, you SHOULD do these 20 or 5 or 7 things as well. Because, of course, if you do these 20 or 5 or 7 things, you will instantly become the CEO of a company.

These articles always bug me. Whenever someone tells me I should do something, I immediately check out. However, I wanted to understand why these click bait ‘articles’ are popular, so I went and found my very own CEO and asked him some very important questions. 

Meet Tim Wilds, CEO of Wildcat Marketing, a consultancy company that focuses on social media development in the area of business growth and security while assisting others in creating operations plans to further open up opportunities in emerging technologies through innovative techniques combined with complex algorithms to enhance your company’s personal marketing narrative and attract customers.

I don’t know what the fuck that means and I don’t think Tim knows either.

But what Tim actually does is not important. What is important is what Tim eats for breakfast, specifically, what he does BEFORE he eats breakfast. I sat down with Tim in his King Street West office in downtown Toronto to discuss the top five things he does before breakfast and which has definitely been responsible for all of his success.

1. Sleep. Tim sleeps as little as possible. "I'm a night person AND a morning person. I get some of my best ideas when I'm drifting off to sleep. The less hours I spend sleeping, the more I am able to remember those little nuggets of 'creativity gold', as I like to call them. And some of these have been an important cornerstone for building my business. It's outlined in chapter 7 of my book The Heavy Lifting of Success: It's Easier Then You Think."

Tim is also a believer in something he calls 'REM Reversal Sleep', which was created by Dr. Eugene Watson and, well, I'll let Tim explain. "What's REM sleep? A deep sleep that causes us to sleep too long and makes us groggy in the morning. REM Reversal Sleep counteracts that." But isn't REM sleep needed in order to properly allow our bodies to rest? "For some, yes. After studying under Dr. Watson, he taught me how to rest my body appropriately in 1 - 2 hours. Sleep just gets in the way of your creativity. Chapter 9."

2. Workout. Tim is obsessive about his workout routine. "If I am both chasing success and being successful, then sure, I'm guilty of being obsessive. In order for the mind to function properly, the body must be in peak shape. As my Shaman said to me when I did ayahuasca, you are losing cells on a secondly basis. When they return, you have the chance to bring them back stronger. It's the same with your body and your business."

What is Tim's workout routine each morning before breakfast? "I only use my own body weight. 150 laps in our outdoor pool - even in the winter - to wake up, 400 crunches, 500 push-ups, 250 chin-ups and then go for a 90 minute run."  

3. Check social media. "You've got to know what's happening in the world. Where the trends are going. Things are changing on a minutely basis. You don't want to be the sail on a sailboat, or the wind pushing the sail, you want to create the wind. Chapter 11: The Sail and the Wind."

I think Tim just said you should aspire to be god, and you will do this through social media. Whatever, let's not dwell on this. You can't dwell on this or you will get a headache. Tim likes 10 Facebook posts from his competitors: "Just to screw with them, remind them who they're playing with." He tweets in detail about the dreams he had during his 2 hour sleep: "Minimum of three dreams per sleep, 70% of them involve dragons. What can I say? I even like to slay dragons in my sleep." Posts photographs of his workout to Instagram: "People like to follow progress. Sure, most or all of the pics are of me, but I'm like a human experiment that keeps getting more and more successful and stronger everyday."

4. Workout some more. This one is self-explanatory at this point.

5 .Breakfast. Finally. Tim is currently on a whole foods diet. "The best example is an apple. Why throw away the core? You want to eat that core and the seeds." I misunderstood, which led to a bit of an argument between us. I thought he meant a Whole Foods diet or the whole foods diet focused on fruits, grains, and vegetables. "No, I literally mean the whole thing. I bite into an avocado just like an apple and just like an apple, I eat the core. To be successful, you’ve got to eat the core.”

I don't even care at this point. I hate Tim Wilds. He's like a carbon copy of a photocopy of a fax that was initially written with invisible ink. The man has no soul, he is the product of a society that values perceived influence as power.

I opened this with how I feel when someone tells me I should do something and I will now happily contradict this. You shouldn't buy Tim's book and shouldn't listen to anything he said above. Fuck Tim and all those smug con artists who think their shit looks like dollar signs and smells like a fresh apple pie that just came out of the oven. Figure it out yourself, you don't need Tim.